“This Is What You Did And This Is Where It Hurts Me.”
It’s a sentence I always swallow not out of pride but out of fear. What if they know which spot to hurt me the most and are still more than willing to press it just right after me letting them know? How does one communicate the hurt and not breaking themselves in the middle? How does one allow their hurt to be seen and still be loved the same after?
Tonight the same lesson repeated again, same old story, different color of eyes this time. I looked at him like he was the right kind of forgiveness, he looked at me like I was the wrong kind of having too much booze. I should’ve not bit my lips and buried my own voice, not when he held me like tenderness, like my thoughtless decision after a bad relapse wasn’t something to run away from.
“I’m sorry,” I say.
Because saying it wouldn’t be enough of honesty but at least I don’t have to run away from explaining myself again.
“Tell me what you want and I’ll be that.”
Familiar sentence, almost looked like a clear mirror. I swear I almost vomited that time.
Maybe this one also meant it.
Maybe this one will try their best too until they fuck it up again.
I have to be honest the way he called my name sent me spiraling. Or how he knitted my words upon words into their reminder makes me bleed in love, believed that I may not be too damaged to be loved again. Maybe there is a chance to fix it. Maybe there will be more surgery performed and I’ll be whole again. Maybe I’m not standing on the exile. Maybe he’s been the answers… to all my crying nights.
“Promise me you will let me know when you don’t want this anymore.”
I’m baring my soul now. This is the place where you can fuck me up. This is where you can tell the whole world the prize you’ve won and capable to curse into disgust anytime. This is where you can threaten me to death and I will still forgive you for the knife left on my bed saying it was mine. This is all the repeats where I am brave and beautiful.
“I will always want you. Over and over.”
Am I choking on my tears?
